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HEARD IT THROUGH THE HOPVINE
A Bottle of White House Ale Sells for $1,200 — Budget Impasse Averted? A bottle of White House Honey Ale that President Obama presented to a Minnesota resident fetched $1,200 at auction, according to the Obama Foodorama blog. The Treasury Department, rather than mint a trillion dollar coin, is considering a large run of White House Ale to offset the budget imbalance. So everyone should do their patriotic duty and buy bottles of the beer for a brighter future for our country… For those of you wanting to undermine the economy, new homebrew kits let you make beer the White House way. Consider Northern Brewer’s Recipe Kits for the Obama beer recipes for $35 to $45. Quite a savings over the $1,200 auction price for a single bottle…

Nobody told me there’d be days like these: Five inmates at the Idaho Correctional Institution have filed a civil lawsuit against beer and wine companies for one billion dollars. The convicts claim that the companies did not sufficiently warn them about the addictive nature of alcohol. The creatively litigious felons are serving time for voluntary manslaughter, grand theft and drug convictions, and according to their self-drafted legal briefs, alcohol has “played a major role” in getting them time in prison. Well, duh! It’s doubtful that these upstanding citizens would have strayed from the path of righteousness had there been warning labels on the bottles: WARNING! DRINKING ALCOHOL MAY CAUSE YOU TO DO REALLY BAD THINGS AND GO TO JAIL, DANCE LIKE AN IDIOT AND SING BADLY…

Milwaukee County Parks is looking to add some attractions with a recent request for proposals. The department is seeking proposals to operate a ropes course or a zip line concession at one or more parks. It also is looking to add one or two beer gardens to the parks system. The department also is soliciting bids for its existing bicycle, Segway, Jet Ski, paddleboat, scooter and kite concessions on the lakefront. The request allows proposals for “any other type of lakefront concession,” and the department hopes to hear some new ideas. Well, how about a combination zip line, beer garden, Segway and Jet Ski attraction. Oh, wait…

Beer for dogs? We love our pets and want them to be happy. So how about beer for dogs? Dogs can now add a thirst-quencher to the growing list of doggie treats: beer. You betcha! Rusty can now enjoy a cold one after a long, hard day of playing fetch. According to the Associated Press, Oregon beer-lover Daniel Keeton created Dawg Grog for his best friend, Lola Jane. Keeton created a virgin beverage (meaning the doggie brew has no alcohol). Although this may just piss off some dogs, the concept should work as a reward for being a “good dog.” I’m sure we’ll see more in the future, including Boston Terrier Lager, Airedale Pale Ale, Belgian Malinois Triple, Black Russian Stout, Lowchen Bräu, Shih Tzu Brew and many even more annoying names I’m sure have already been covered…

When I was but a wee lad in elementary school, we had regular nuclear attack air-raid drills (remember “duck and cover”?). The theory was that a seven-year-old under a simple desk was impervious to a nuclear explosion. Well, that was a long time ago. These days we’re more concerned with Xbox vampires and zombies. But THE BOMB was very much a source of serious anxiety back then. Our U.S. military was watching out for us, however. In the Nevada desert, they were dropping bombs on fake towns to see if beer could withstand a nuclear blast. No, really. It was part of “Operation Teapot,” according to Alex Wellerstein, a historian who dug up a long-forgotten 1955 report on the beer test and published it recently on his website, Nuclear Secrecy Blog. The study tested radiation levels in bottles and cans of beer that had been stashed little more than a quarter-mile from ground zero. Scientists concluded that, since beer was widely distributed, it could be an important, readily available source of fluids after a nuclear detonation. Woo-hoo! Bring on the big one, baby! We have BEER!

Kids are said to fill our lives with poignancy and inexplicable joy, yet it appears many parents would rather be tossing back some booze and rolling around in their altogether than taking care of their beloved offspring. A new study by Carsten Grimm from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand has found that people rate sex as the top activity that brings them happiness, followed by drinking alcohol or “partying.” Caring for kids (yawn) fell down the list at number five. God also got the cold shoulder, with people rating meditating and religion at number four. So let’s embrace the concept of sex and beer as a life-enhancing pursuit. Do I hear any objections?…
 

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